A Truly Progressive Marriage (Colossians 3:18-19)

Isaac Dagneau | Colossians 3:18-19 | Only Jesus: A Study in Colossians

If you have your Bibles with you, please open them to Colossians 3. Colossians 3. If you’re new with us this morning, I welcome you!

We’re in a series called “Only Jesus,” which is a verse-by-verse study through the letter that Paul, an early Christian missionary, wrote to a group of local churches in the area of ancient Colossae—which is in modern day Turkey. He wrote this short letter to ultimately help them set their faith (their trust) and confidence in only Jesus. Various false-teachings from the surrounding culture were getting in the way of the gospel, and Paul refutes those teachings by emphasizing Christ, and that they, as the church, have Christ in them—that they’re united with Christ. They don’t need to follow and obey the various teachings from false-teachers, because they have Christ, and Christ is all they need.

For the past four weeks, we’ve been in Colossians 3, which is the part of the letter that speaks more of behaviours than beliefs—more of the doing of the doctrine, than simply the doctrine itself. Which is very important.

Last week we finished three Sundays of looking closely at Colossians 3:12-17 where we found five peculiar marks of a Christian. Now, these marks that we are commanded to do are the behaviours that accompany an identity in which we all are—namely, sons and daughters of God because of our union with Christ. It’s always essential that when we talk about behavioural and active commands in the Bible, we ground them in identity. And this is especially important this morning, because the understanding, application and success of the commands of the next two verses that we’re looking at today, will heavily—maybe even completely—depend on not only a firm belief in our union with Christ, but also an awareness and a striving towards all that we’ve covered in Colossians 3—the putting off of sin and the putting on of Christlikeness.

So, let me read these next two verses—vs. 18-19. We’ll then pray, then I’ll give my goal or aim of this sermon, then I’ll address two important points, and then we’ll dig into this text (read Colossians 3:18-19).

Let’s pray: Father, thank you for your Word. Thank you for giving us all we need to know who we are, know who you are, and know how we can be with you. By your grace and mercy, grant us a right understanding of your Word, and fill us with your Spirit to apply your Word to our lives. In the name of Jesus, amen.

My goal in this sermon is to give all of us a glimpse of a truly progressive marriage. Not progressive in a political sense, but in a kingdom sense. All of us in this room who know and believe in Jesus as King and Saviour, are awaiting entrance into the Kingdom of heaven. But just because we’re not there yet, doesn’t mean we don’t or can’t experience “kingdom” realities here on earth. We speak of an “already-not yet” kingdom. So, a truly progressive marriage is one that lives and moves and breathes in that “already” portion of the kingdom, with its eyes and heart set on the full completion of the kingdom. When a marriage is lived this way, it’s progressing—step by step—to true reality.

Now, two important points to address before we get started: firstly, if you are in this room and are currently not in a marriage covenant, it doesn’t mean you get a free pass on today’s sermon. 2 Timothy 3:16, “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable…” This text is for everyone, not just married people. One basic reason for this is because people who aren’t married have brothers and sisters in Christ around them who are married. And as their spiritual friend, you have the responsibility to speak into, provide encouragement for, and help correct, when necessary, their marriage. And another reason is that many of the principles we’ll be talking about today apply to all of us.

The second important point to address is this: I want you to know that I am preaching these truths from the Word of God with an understanding of the profound abuses that so-called “Christians” today and in the past have made out of these texts. If you have ever been on the receiving end of the abuse of these truths in the name of Christianity, then I am so sorry that you had to walk that road. That is wicked, distorted, and wrong. And we all need to know that God will not leave any stone unturned in terms of the judgment of evil in this world—including the evil of sinful dominance. And we also need to remember that the gospel provides the hope, comfort, healing, and power to transform anything and anyone.

So, with that being said, let’s get into this text. Colossians 3:18-19. As you can see, in giving practical examples of living the risen life in life, Paul writes only two verses on marriage—without hardly any elaboration. However, in Ephesians, another letter Paul’s written to a church near(ish) Colossae, he unpacks this more, and so that’s where we’re going to spend the majority of our time. In my Bible, I only need to flip back 3 pages to get to Ephesians 5. You can turn there. I’ll read Ephesians 5:18-33, and then we’ll walk through it (read Ephesians 5:18-33).

Now, instead of starting right at the beginning, I want us to first read the pivotal verses, and those are is vs. 31-32, which I’ll repeat (read vs. 31-32). Marriage between men and women are living parables of the marriage union between Christ and his bride, the church. In another letter, Paul writes this to a church, “I feel a divine jealousy for you, [because] I betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a pure virgin to Christ.” That’s 2 Corinthians 11:2. What Paul speaks of here is the engagement to be married that the whole church has with Christ. We’re in an engagement period—the Spirit, as it were, preparing us for this grand ceremony; washing us, renewing us, cleansing us daily for the big day. And even though his Bride has a divided heart while on earth, Jesus’s heart for his bride is undivided. He’s all in. And one day, we will be truly all in when we see him face to face and live forever with him—with an undivided devotion. And Paul, in v. 32, says that human marriage reflects—obviously not in every single way—the marriage of Christ and the church. If we don’t grasp this at the beginning, it could be hard to sift through some of the things talked about. Paul is speaking of marriage as a metaphor of Christ and the church.

So, let’s look at v. 21 (read). That “submitting” comes under the main verb-of-action in v. 18, “be filled with the Spirit.” And this really is the starting point when we talk about a truly progressive marriage: be filled with the Spirit. What we read will be hard to commit to if we aren’t regularly asking God to fill us with his Spirit. So, Paul writes that we are to submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. This doesn’t mean that everyone is to submit to everyone (because that couldn’t work), but that everyone submit to those who they ought to submit to. For example, it wouldn’t really make sense for a parent to submit in everything to the commands and leadership of their 3-year-old. Or, it wouldn’t be right for a policeman to submit to the commands and leadership of charged criminals. What Paul is getting at here is that we are to practice the discipline of submission where we ought to submit—and that’s for all of us. No one is exempt from the discipline of submission. And this submission is not out of a fear of the one we are submitting to, but out of a love, awe, and reverence for Christ—out of an understanding that Christ has set up order in this life for our good and his glory. For example, whenever I am commanded by the government to do something that doesn’t directly come against the commands of the Bible, I must submit to them out of reverence for Christ—knowing that Christ has set up government for his glory and my good. Are there lots of mysteries there? Absolutely! There are few places in Christianity where you won’t find mystery.

Paul then begins to address marriage, starting with the wife. He writes in vs. 22-24 (read). Christian wives are to willingly and voluntarily submit to their husbands, because their husbands have the role of headship in their marriage. Now, this has nothing to do with superiority and inferiority, or measures of skills—as if the husband is just “better” or something. Rather, this has everything to do with the reflection that Christian marriage has in regard to the relationship between Christ and the church. Paul writes plainly that in the same way that Christ is the head of the church, husbands are the head of the wife in their marriage. The idea of “head” can refer to lots of things that flow out of a sense of authority. Headship is the position that provides many life-giving functions under a sense of authority or leadership—and when speaking of Christian headship, all of that is infused with Christlike love. So, authority isn’t wrong. It’s selfish and sinful authority, and presumptuous authority, that is repulsing and debilitating and damaging. But Christ’s authority is good, pure, and loving. It’s an authority that leads, loves, cares, protects, and provides. We, as his body, (ideally) will joyfully and happily submit to Christ because he is our loving head. And likened to this relationship are the marriages between men and women, where husbands have been given this calling of loving headship—and we’ll say more about the husband’s calling in a moment. And this submission is a willing and, hopefully, joyful submission—one that recognizes their husband as one who God has given them as the loving head of their one-flesh union—and one that is done in reverence for Christ and that will be empowered by the filling of the Spirit.

Now, in this command in Colossians Paul adds, “as is fitting in the Lord,” and in Ephesians he adds, “as to the Lord.” “As is fitting in the Lord,” tells us that the willing submission of a Christian wife to her husband’s headship is proper and right and natural in terms of her union with Christ. “As to the Lord,” tells us what we’ve already looked at—that Christian wives submit to their husbands in the same way that they, as members of the church body, submit to Jesus. And this submission is practiced by the husband as well.

Now, six things to note here about the Christian wife’s calling. Firstly, yes, Paul’s day was marked by a heavy patriarchy—a way of life that was dominated by males. Males were regarded as greater based on their gender alone. And because of this, there was a complete devaluing of women. This is sinful. And there is still much of this today in many different forms. Listen, the gender of woman is (firstly) made in the image and likeness of God, just like men, and (secondly) the gender of woman has no upper or lesser hand in salvation in relation to men. In fact, 1 Peter 3:7 says that women are co-heirs with men in the grace of life. This is a truth that men needed to hear in a highly patriarchal society, and in many ways, even today. Our text in Colossians and Ephesians give no right for any male to puff himself up over his spouse or any other woman.

Secondly, this text by no means commands that all women submit to all men. This is specific to wives and their own husbands. In the same way that the church doesn’t submit to Allah or Zeus, or whatever, but only in Christ, the Christian wife is to submit to none other than her own husband.

Thirdly, in relation to the above point, this in no way condones submitting to sin. This goes without saying for Paul. If ever a husband uses his headship to bring his wife and/or family into sin, the Christian wife isn’t encouraged to refuse but commanded to refuse. And this pertains to abuse. Whether or not a Christian wife’s husband is Christian, she is not to agree with any form of abuse (emotionally, physically, etc.), and must never accept unwanted sinful actions from their husband just because she’s called to “submit.” As a quick sidenote, if anyone in this room is experiencing abuse from their husbands, please talk to someone. You are free and commanded by Christ to not participate in that abuse. It is essential in a truly progressive marriage that both spouses recognize their one-flesh union as part of the church body, who is the bride of Christ, who is their Head. The Christian wife’s first and primary responsibility, along with her husband’s, is to submit to Jesus Christ. Both are to regularly practice the discipline of submission.

Fourthly, saying that the husband has the role of headship in the marriage, like Christ is the head of the church, does not mean that husbands are Christ. Speaking from experience, we are far from the perfection of Christ. This means that I am going to fail time and again in my position of loving headship in my marriage, and that grace and godly counsel will be regular activities for Brittney: grace for my failings, and godly counsel for my headship—and especially when I’m struggling and in need of help.

Fifthly, this calling for the Christian wife applies to her marriage even when the husband doesn’t know Christ. Peter writes in 1 Peter 3:1-2, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” Again, this doesn’t condone or accept any form of sinful abuse. Part of acting in a “pure conduct” is refusing “impure activities.” Now, I understand that lots of questions arise out of this, and much of this application is situational. This is why we need brothers and sisters in Christ in a local church who know us and can help us in times of need. So, the Christian wife of the unbelieving husband should pray earnestly for their salvation while they submit to Christ’s calling for them to submit to their husband’s leadership—but never with his leadership into sin. This might be the heavy burden that some of you bear, and all of us are here to help and love you.

And sixthly, the Christian wife’s submission to her husband, whether Christian or not, doesn’t stop when she doesn’t agree with him. But rather she will strive to trust God that her believing husband’s headship is loving and for her benefit (even when she can’t see it), and therefore will follow him; or, in terms of an unbelieving husband, she will follow him with a respectful and pure conduct in hopes of showing him the humility of Christ himself through her actions. But this respectful and pure conduct never means following their husband into sin, or accepting his sinful actions upon her or the family. The Christian wife and the Christian husband, must look to Christ as their example of someone who submits—even when they don’t understand or agree. Jesus himself modelled to all of us what our various callings of submission should look like, and that is found in his prayer in Luke 22:42, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”

Alright, let’s move now to Paul’s discussion given to husbands in Ephesians 5:25-32—it will clarify and bring together the discussion about wives. We must see both of their callings together. The basic command and calling of the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. The joy and happiness of the Christian wife’s submission in many ways are dependant on the husband’s submission to Christ’s calling on him. Notice how Paul doesn’t say, “Husbands, be the head of your wives.” The headship of the husband was established in v. 23. What we can assume, then, is that the foundational principle in which the Christian husband’s headship is to operate in, is love—a love that Paul compares with Christ’s love to his Bride. This is a love that is experienced in the laying down of his life for her’s. This is a never-ending and never-giving up love—a fully-embraced selfless love for the other—something that all Christians are to practice with one another, but that Christian husbands are to especially apply to their wives. It’s the principle theme, motivation, and intention for all of what’s required of him in his headship of their one-flesh union.

Paul, then, beautifully explains Christ’s love for his body, the church, in vs. 26-27—emphasizing his loving care of cleansing and beautifying the church for the wedding. Jesus is concerned about this loving care for his Bride, because the Bride is his very body. Therefore, Paul can then right in vs. 28-30 (read). Christian marriage is not the coming together of two autonomous individual beings—with two heads and two bodies—who learn to live with, respect, and love one another and to help promote the other individual’s dreams, aspirations, and goals. That’s more like friendship, not Christian marriage. If that were marriage, then Paul’s quotation of Genesis 2:24 in v. 31 wouldn’t make any sense (read v. 31). A Christian marriage is the absolute coming-together of two people who both renounce their individual autonomy in order to become a new one-flesh union with the ultimate goal of seeing and gaining Christ together. And it’s in this kind of marriage that Paul can say to the husband to love his wife as his own body, because she is his own body. In the same way that he provides sustenance and help and comfort for his own physical body, he is to provide sustenance and help and comfort for his entire marital body.

So, a truly progressive marriage involves a husband who recognizes his headship (which involves a sense of authority to lead and provide for and encourage his wife, among other things) in a kind of radical love that is entirely dependant on the Spirit’s work in his life, because it’s a kind of love that means the utter denial of his own individual wants so that he can promote her and their union’s needs—emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The husband’s calling in a Christian marriage, just like the wife’s calling, is radical and progressive.

Paul then sums up this teaching practically in v. 33 by saying (read v. 33).

Now, let me briefly address the ways in which a truly progressive marriage can become a truly digressive marriage. Marriages struggle, cause immense pain, and fail when the husband and the wife go to the sinful extremes of their separate callings, or when they completely disregard their callings. For example, Christian wives should not go to the sinful extreme of their submission. Listen, and this is for any woman in this room—married or not—you must serve this world with your wisdom, power, creativity, skills, love, leadership and beauty. God made two genders for a reason—both reflecting his glory. If a Christian wife, in the name of “submission,” ignores her purpose as a daughter of God and slips into an objectifying role where she becomes a servant to others’ selfish needs, especially her husband, that’s wrong! It’s not right. God, through various writers of the Bible, pull women up to live as they were truly made to live—giving them power, responsibility, truth, love, and much more, to pour out to the world. On the other side, Christian wives shouldn’t ignore their calling, and/or go to the extreme of fending only for themselves in their marriage and pushing for their way. I’m not saying Christian wives shouldn’t state what they want or need or how they think some decision should be made. That’s a given. I’m talking about a Christian wife’s selfish pursuit of her way. So, both the extreme and the denial of the wife’s calling in marriage is dangerous.

As for the Christian husband, the extreme of his role as head becomes quickly dangerous when he forgets his calling to love like Christ loves, and is leading his marriage for purely his selfish endeavours. He’s forgotten the one-flesh union of his marriage, and has adopted the “two individuals living together” mentality, where he thinks he can just do what he wants and that his wife should listen and obey. This is wrong, selfish, sinful, and very damaging. It’s treating your wife in a purely unloving way. Paul, in the Colossians text, says clearly: do not be harsh with them. On the other hand, it’s dangerous when a Christian husband ignores his loving headship, perhaps believing that renouncing his headship is more loving. To just “not care” about that, is not fair for the church or for his family, and it’s certainly not in reflection of Christ and the church. Christ would never renounce his headship out of love for the church—it’s his loving headship that is one of the two ingredients of a profound and beautiful union. So, once again, the extreme and the denial of the husband’s calling in marriage is dangerous.

Now, approaching a conclusion, I want to sum up the ideas Paul’s presenting here regarding Christian marriage. A Christian marriage is one which looks different—peculiar to the world. If someone asked a Christian couple, “What’s different about you guys?” they would say, “This is what’s different about us. We both have a great knowledge of our sin, and how we need a Saviour. We’ve both repented of our sins and believed in Christ as our Saviour, and have both individually found our fulfillment in him. We both submit to Christ as our leader, and though we find it hard and sometimes uncomfortable, we both submit to his callings for us in our marriage—understanding that our marriage is a one-flesh union, in which Christ has said, ‘What God has joined together, let not man separate.’ I, as the husband, do my best to lovingly lead my wife in a way that reflects Christ’s love for the church. I fail time and again, and have to regularly confess to God and my wife that I’ve either lead in an unloving way, or that I’ve just ignored my calling for my own pleasure. (Switch to wife), And I, as the wife, recognize that in our one-flesh union under God, I am called to willingly submit to my husband’s headship in a reverence for Christ. This doesn’t mean he just gets his own way (and I regularly check in with him to see if he’s being selfish), but it means that I happily and joyfully come under his loving care and leadership—a leadership that is often counselled by my wisdom and experience and Spirit-filled understanding, in which we talk and discuss things together. But even if I don’t agree with him, I will willingly submit out of reverence for Christ and in a trust in God—not out of a fear of my husband. And I, like my husband, fail a lot. I need to confess to God and to my husband for either holding in my wisdom and counsel and knowledge which is essential for our family’s life, or my taking over my husband’s role as head. And lastly, we can take our calling’s seriously, and we can forgive one another constantly, because we understand that our marriage isn’t eternal. We are, in many ways, a mere image of the marriage of Christ and the church. We help one another see Christ, and submit to Christ as our Husband. And when the day comes when we see him face-to-face, we won’t need one another in the same way anymore, because all of our emotional and spiritual needs will be fulfilled in Christ. This is why, perhaps, we seem different.”

So, I believe this is what a truly progressive marriage looks like—a marriage that’s slowly but surely making its way to heaven. Now, I understand that there is rarely a perfect circumstance where all the ingredients needed to make up this Christian marriage are there. Some of us are divorced, some of us are in the middle of great trials and hardships in our families, some of us have experienced the loss of a spouse, and some of us have spouses that don’t know Christ. No matter the circumstance, we must remember that Christ is our Husband who will never leave us nor forsake us. He has an undivided love for us. And our experience of being a Christian is never dependant on marriage—as if “being married or being in a successful Christian marriage” is the key to living an abundant Christian life. Jesus was never married, and I’d find it hard to believe if any of you could tell me that you were more human or lived a more abundant life than he. This is important for all of us to remember, whether single or married.

And as a last word before we pray, the Bible is full of general principles and specific instructions for marriage. We, obviously, couldn’t go through it all, but only spoke about what our passage was saying and a few others. So, if you need help or just some clarification on a situation you’re going through, talk to someone—and talk to a mature Christian, a Christian who will know those places in Scripture to walk with you through them in a loving way. I and my wife, and other elders in this church are available, or maybe you know someone already in your mind you can go to. But I’d highly encourage that.