Isaac Dagneau | Colossians 3:20-21 | Only Jesus: A Study in Colossians
Turn with me in your Bibles to Colossians 3. Colossians 3. We’ll be looking at Colossians 3:20-21 this morning.
If you weren’t here last week, we looked at Colossians 3:18-19 and its sister passage in Ephesians 5:18-33, which talked about marriage and the callings of both a Christian wife and a Christian husband. In Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he spends from v. 18 in chapter 3, all the way to v. 1 in chapter 4, giving specific commands in regard to Christian household relationships in the 1st century—which today we’ll look at children and parents. So, let’s engage with these words from our God to us, and apply them to our lives. Let me read Colossians 3:20-21 (read v. 20-21). Let’s pray: Father, as we consider your words to children and parents and mothers and fathers this morning, may all of us gain a more Christ-centred image of family, so that whether or not we’re currently in a family, we may know how to encourage and lovingly correct our brothers and sisters in Christ who are in our own family unit and/or our church family. May what we learn and what we will soon apply be to your glory. In the name of Jesus, amen.
Like last week, a few points need to be said up front. Firstly, just because Paul is addressing children and parents here, doesn’t mean that this sermon isn’t for you if you’re not currently a dependant child or parent. The truth is, if we want to be effective as a church family, then we need to know God’s calling and commandments for one another. We all have a responsibility to help stir one another up and encourage each other in our God-given and God-empowered callings. So if you’re with us this morning and you’re neither a parent with children or a dependent child, then it’s important for you to know what God is calling your brothers and sisters in Christ to do who are parents and dependent children. And not only this, but principles in our study this morning will apply to all of us—not just children and parents.
Secondly, like any beautiful truth in Scripture, this calling on children to obey their parents can become distorted into something ugly and damaging—but not to the point of no return. The hope of the gospel is a million times more powerful than the greatest distortion of truth. The hope of the gospel is also a million times more comforting than any word from a counsellor, friend, or even mother. God loves to see sin and death defeated of their power, as well as his children comforted and satisfied in him. If you’re seeking gospel-hope this morning, don’t leave without talking to someone—especially if your suffering has to do with the abuse of the truth.
And thirdly, I can only say that I can try and imagine the pain that barrenness brings for married couples who desire children, and also the pain of those who desire marriage and children, and yet have not experienced them. This is a sensitive issue with many brothers and sisters in Christ. And I think it needs to be said that marriage and children are gifts from God among many others. God shows no partiality toward the children certain gifts are given to—he has no “favourites.” All of us, no matter our circumstances, are called to thank God for his spiritual and physical gifts in our lives, and to use them for his glory.
In my last job I interviewed one Christian author who is in his late forties and is unmarried. And he said that while his married friends may experience a depth of relationship he doesn’t know, he, on the other hand, experiences a breadth of relationships that his married friends will never know. This isn’t in any way trying to tell single people in this room to remain single or anything like that, I’m just giving an example of one Christian’s ability to see his circumstances as a gift from God that he’s going to use for God’s glory—and to enjoy it. At the same time, I don’t think it’s wrong to say that sometimes gifts should be sought! Jacob wrestled with God and said he won’t stop until he blesses him—so God blessed him. If you’re unsure on whether to seek or not seek for these gifts, pray, firstly, and then secondly, open up to a mature Christian and talk to them about it. It will be good for your souls.
Ultimately, we know—and an abundance of mysteries surround this—but we know that all things are worked together for God’s glory and his children’s good. That is the “why” of everything in the Christian’s life. What we often don’t get to know is the “how”, “how does such-and-such a circumstance work together for God’s glory and my good?” And that’s why we surround ourselves with brothers and sisters in Christ in the church to comfort us, encourage us, and strengthen us by pointing us to Jesus. We can trust Jesus with everything we face in this life.
Now, as I mentioned last week, the letter Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus has some similarities to the letter he wrote to the Colossian Christians. And once again, like the words on marriage, Paul elaborates more on the children and parents commands in Ephesians. So, flip back a few pages in your Bible with me to Ephesians 6:1-4. I’ll read this as well. This is where we’ll stay, because he pretty much says the exact same words as he writes in Colossians, but with more (read Ephesians 6:1-4).
Let’s start with the v. 1 (read v. 1). Notice how Paul elevates the dignity and responsibility of children by directly addressing them—that’s why we specifically had a mini-sermon for them this morning. Children are not excused from the family and church’s efforts to model Christlikeness—they have an important role to play in the family’s flourishing. When children—who we could define in this context as those who are living as dependant children in a household with a parent or parents or guardian—when they obey their parents, they are reflecting the obedience of Christ to the Father, which is glorifying God by promoting his character and actions. I love that Christianity isn’t all about lofty knowledge and “grand acts of service,” but can get as practical as obeying your parents. God receives glory when a Christian is martyred, and God receives glory when a child obeys their parents. Both that child and that martyr are exercising courageous, Christlike obedience in their acts.
Now, we read that their obedience is to their parents, it’s in the Lord, and it’s right. So, children are to obey their parents. It’s the job of the father and the mother to lead, instruct, and discipline their children. If it weren’t, then Paul wouldn’t have said “Obey your parents.” The second thing we can learn about this obedience is that it’s “in the Lord.” Ideally, this obedience is being engaged within the general understanding of Christ’s authority. Children should obey their parents not as an end in itself, but because of Christ’s authority to set up this order within the family for their good and his glory. And thirdly, this obedience is right. We read in the Colossians passage that “it pleases the Lord.” There is a natural rightness when children obey their parents—and many unbelievers would agree! Obviously it’s “not right” when a mother or father or guardian commands a child with sinful and selfish motives—that’s not what Paul is referring to here. He’s referring to that habit of obedience that Christian children ought to have when it comes to obeying their parents—and it’s that obedience that’s right.
And really, this habit of obedience is for all of us. It comes back to the reflection that it bears on Christ. Listen to Paul’s words to the Philippian church about Jesus in Philippians 2:6-9, “[T]hough [Jesus] was in the form of God, [he] did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name…” An essential activity that caused Christ’s highest exaltation, was obedience. And this Christ-reflecting task of obedience is given to all of us but specifically here to children, in that they would rightly obey their parents in the Lord.
Paul then, in vs. 2-3, quotes Exodus 20:12 (read vs. 2-3). The command to obey your parents is now grounded in the fifth of the Ten Commandments—honour your father and mother. So, Paul is making a point that the obedience of dependant children to their parents is a direct application of the fifth commandment. Now, these commands are not synonymous. In fact (and I quote this from my cultural backgrounds study Bible), “Most ancient readers would have understood this [command, “Honour your father and mother”] at the very least as an admonition to care for one’s elderly parents, though other forms of honour would not be excluded.” All children, no matter their age, ought to honour their parents—who at the very least brought them into existence. For a dependant child, to obey their parents is one of the primary ways to honour them—in fact, it’s the “right” form of honouring parents in that stage of life. But when that child becomes an adult, other forms of honour replace strict obedience. Yes, Paul is talking to children here, but he’s grounding their specific command in a general command that we all ought to obey: honour and respect your father and mother.
Now, notice that Paul emphasizes the promise that’s attached to this command. He wants the children in Ephesus to understand that their obedience to God—in obeying their parents—is not without reward. Even though the promise of “that you may live long in the land,” is specifically talking about the physical promised land for Israel, there is still the general principle that it will go well with the child who honours their mother and father. Paul doesn’t spell out exactly what the promise will look like—probably because it’s customized according to God’s plan for the individual—but it’s a promise we all ought to trust and set our hope in.
Now, let’s move into v. 4 (read v. 4). As we mentioned before, the fact that children are called to obey their parents in v. 1, lends to the fact that both the mother and father have a responsibility to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” It’s not a one-sided calling. Yet, the “father” is specified, based on that headship he holds in his marriage. And Christian headship, like we talked about last week, is a position that provides many life-giving and life-flourishing functions under a sense of authority and leadership, which are all infused with a selfless, Christlike love. So while the father and mother raise their child or children in a God-honouring way, there also is a greater weight of responsibility on the father—thus the reason for why Paul writes “fathers” rather than “parents,” even though he knows that mothers are highly involved. One author talks of the Christian father’s “primary” responsibility, but not “sole” responsibility.
Consider these Scriptures showing the dual-work: Proverbs 1:8-9, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.” Proverbs 6:20, “My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching.” And this is a great one, Proverbs 30:17, “The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures.” I should have used that one in the children’s sermon!
And, as a further emphasis on the mother’s task here, consider Timothy. Paul writes to Timothy in 2 Timothy 1:5, “I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mouther Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well.” And then skip over to 2 Timothy 3:14-15, “But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.” There’s a very high likeliness that Timothy’s mother and grandmother opened to him the Scriptures and helped him become the “well spoken of” disciple in his region.
So all that being said, even though “fathers” are spoken of here, in reference to their headship in their marriage and that primary responsibility they hold, both father and mother have the task for instructing and disciplining their children.
Paul gives a negative, and then a positive—a “don’t do” and then a “do.” We’ll look first at the “don’t do.” “Fathers (and mothers—it applies to both because both teach, lead, correct, etc.), do not provoke your children to anger…” Our Colossians passage adds, “lest they become discouraged.” Through the Holy Spirit’s inspiration, Paul knows that provoking, agitating children so that they become angry and annoyed, would be a temptation for parents. When children, who have a special innate trust for their parents, experience their parents provoking them to anger, the only response is discouragement—which always leads to stunted or stifled growth. Think about it, the relationship between children and parents reflect the relationship between God the Father and the church—kind of like how marriage reflects the relationship between God the Son and the church. None of us could imagine our heavenly Father provoking us to anger. Surely he disciplines us, but never provokes—never stimulates us to an anger that leaves us discouraged.
Fathers, mothers, there is a sense in which you play a “God-like” role in your children’s lives. Genesis tells us that Adam was born in the image and likeness of God; and it also says that Seth, him and Eve’s third son, was born in the image and likeness of Adam. There is a reflection going on here. And for Christian parents, we ought to imitate our heavenly Father’s love and justice toward us, with out love and justice toward our children.
And before we move to the “do” part, we must understand that Paul’s referring here to the deliberate and intentional, sinful act of provoking, irritating, and agitating to anger and frustration. Children will be children, and will get angry, annoyed, frustrated, and discouraged. We can’t help that. What we can help, however, is to check our motives when we’re relating with them—and to be serious about “killing” the sinful intentions when they arise in us, even when they’re small. We can also help by asking our children for forgiveness when we fail—even when they’re young. And asking for forgiveness doesn’t sound like, “Billy, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that, but you shouldn’t have blah blah blah!” Rather, asking for forgiveness sounds like, “Billy, will you forgive me for wrongly snapping at you and causing anger and frustration? I’m sorry.” When parents do this, they not only model Christ’s humility, but they model to their children genuine forgiveness—which will have an undoubted benefit for their life.
Let’s now look at the “do”: “…but [do] bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” So much could be said here, so we’ll keep it brief by looking at the big picture. The key to both disciplining and instructing are those last three words, “of the Lord.” This tells us that the discipline and instruction aren’t separated from Jesus—meaning, the discipline and instruction that parents ought to engage on their children are not modelled after the world or the latest “parenting book”, but modelled after God the Son. Christian parenting is radical in that it cares not about the parents’ hopes and dreams for their children, nor the child’s hopes and dreams for themselves, but what God has desired and willed. And what God has desired and willed is for both the parent and the child to love him and love others—the greatest commandment. This produces the greatest joy in the person, and the greatest glory for God.
Basically, the principle is that the parents intentionally discipline and instruct their children toward a greater love for God and others. So, let’s look at discipline. Firstly, discipline is good because God disciplines—and God can’t do anything not good. Hebrews 12:16, “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” Skip down to verses 10 and 11, “God disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” So, since discipline is not bad, it’s bad discipline that’s bad. And bad discipline is any intentional discipline that isn’t toward a greater love for God and others. It’s the kind of discipline that’s seen when a father or mother punishes their child for either not meeting their own standards for their child, or simply because they’re personally annoyed and erupt with a condemning remark. On the other hand, good discipline is thoughtful and controlled—always toward a greater love for God and others. For example, it’s seen when a parent witnesses an unloving or ungodly action or remark from their child, and then considers an appropriate punishment based on the situation and the child, and then seriously explains to the child the punishment and why it’s being given. God is calling parents to not abandon discipline. Just because the media and some “gossip circles” only talk about bad discipline, doesn’t mean good discipline should be removed.
Listen to just three radical Proverbs about this. 22:15, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” 13:24, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” And 29:15, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but (and listen to this) a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Good discipline is thoughtful and controlled, always with the intentional purpose toward a greater love for God and others, and ought to be engaged by parents to their children—just as our loving and gracious God disciplines us, those he loves.
And instruction. The greatest gift God the Father has given his children, who we all are, is his Word—and I mean “Word” in both senses: the Word of God in ink, and the Word of God in flesh—the Bible and Jesus. God the Father uses black and white words to instruct his children, as well as the arms, legs, mouth, and heart of his Son to instruct his children. Basically, God the Father instructs us by speaking truth and then demonstrating that truth. And if parents, as we have mentioned, reflect something of the relationship between God the Father and his children, then we must model this kind of instruction to our children. Raising up children in the instruction of the Lord means speaking the truth to them, and then demonstrating what that truth looks like in life—both toward a greater love for God and others.
So, practically speaking, instruction will look like speaking truth to your children. And if the only time they’re hearing us speak about the truth is after they’ve done something wrong, then we’re probably not doing it enough. Part of what it looks like for Christian parents to intentionally instruct their children toward a greater love of God and others is creating opportunities to speak the truth of God in fun, creative, and serious ways. This can be as simple as daily reading to them a children’s Bible, or singing Christian songs with them in the car. But the Christian parents’ instruction doesn’t end with speaking the truth, but must be completed by living the truth. We must not be like the Pharisees in our parenting. Jesus condemns them because they preach, yet to not practice the truth. Pharisaical parenting, by preaching the truth without practicing the truth, will only create cute little Pharisees—who do the exact same thing.
The rubber meets the road when Christian parents make it their absolute effort, empowered by the Spirit, to always complete their speaking of the truth with their doing of the truth. Take sharing for example. Every parent wants their child to learn how to share, and surely, sharing is a godly activity—one that is taught in Scripture. But for a father to instruct his child to share her toys, and then for her to never see him sharing his home with the neighbours or the less fortunate, there’s a disconnect in her mind. Again, Christian parents must make it their absolute effort, empowered by the Spirit, to always complete their speaking of the truth with their doing of the truth.
So that sums up this passage, which sums up our Colossians 3:20-21 passage. The Christian calling on children is to obey their parents as the way to obey the commandment to honour their mother and father. Not only will it go well with them as a blessing if they do this, but in obeying their parents they’re reflecting the character of God himself—therefore, it’s right and it’s pleasing to the Lord. The Christian calling on parents is to bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, which is to be done with an intention toward helping their children love God and others more, and never with an evil intention of provoking and agitating their children to anger which leads to their discouragement. A special word is given to fathers in this parental calling, based on their primary responsibility because of their God-given headship, but this doesn’t mean the mother is excluded from responsibility as well. Father and mother are to raise their child or children in godliness with instruction and discipline.
Now, as we conclude, let me reemphasize the importance of identity here. Before we hit the “practical” stuff in Colossians and Ephesians, Paul establishes our identity as being united with Christ as a son or daughter of God. The callings we’ve looked at these past two weeks given to husbands, wives, fathers, parents, and children are the natural outflows of Spirit-led lives, which are slowly being worked out by once-sinners who are now-saints, who still struggle with sin. Ultimately, as a Christian, it’s our union with Christ that now leads our lives—pushing for change in every facet of our life, including the family. And everyone’s involved with the flourishing of a God-centred family—including those who aren’t married or those who don’t have kids. We as the church, the family of God, are called to encourage, correct, and comfort one another in all our callings.